


but I'm still missin' you

by officialangelcas



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: A little, Angst, Depressed Liam Payne, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, i guess, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-07 00:23:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12221964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/officialangelcas/pseuds/officialangelcas
Summary: liam payne has been pining after his band mate for years and he's been waiting for him to come backor what really happened between zayn and liam all these years





	but I'm still missin' you

Liam stopped waiting. And that was that, really. He has a child to think of now. He has a serious girlfriend. He has a life. What he can’t seem to figure out is when his life stopped being his and how it became someone else's. Surely that can’t be him on stage acting like he’s the best singer in the world. And that can’t be him writing those songs that have no deeper meaning. That can’t be him that honestly thinks he’s the best out of his friends. He used to feel as if there were so many words swarming his mind just waiting to be written down but not anymore. No. Someone stole those words from him. He can’t create anything meaningful anymore. Sure, he can still write hits. But what’s a hit song if there’s no meaning to it? Money, he guesses. That’s all he’s writing now.

He’s been doing some interviews lately as promo for his single. Do people really believe the shit he’s been saying? He doesn’t even believe it. He went on The Late Late Show with James Corden a couple weeks ago and it’s the first time he’s felt like himself in ages. Just a few fleeting moments when he felt like the real Liam Payne. But then he was asked about his music and it’s right back to new Liam. He was offered a spot to perform at the IHeartRadio show but he declined. It’s easy to be fake around strangers because they don’t know him. But to go on that stage with his friends watching, they’d see right through it. Harry especially. All it would take was a couple of minutes catching up and he’d be caught. And yes, he knows he could just shrug it off and tell Harry that he’s fine but what if he couldn’t? What if something real slipped through this wall he’s spent so much time building around himself only to come crashing down so quickly? .He couldn’t risk it. Liam’s always been a sensible person, it’s what everyone expects of him. There’s boring Liam Payne, he’s an open book with a perfect life, nothing to hide. If only they knew.

That’s why Liam stopped waiting. He couldn’t wait for Zayn anymore. Zayn obviously moved on a long time ago. He has a life now too. Gigi Hadid. Everything Zayn does now has everything to do with her. Zayn had stopped being real with everyone a long time ago. He’s much better at it than Liam, lots of practice. Liam knows Zayn stopped being real ages ago, what he can’t figure out is when he stopped being real with  _ him _ .

Liam can remember the first time he felt Zayn was being real with him. When they first met he had this shell, protecting himself from the fame that they had been thrown into. He remembers clearly when their bond started. It was back in the X Factor house and Zayn had just found out earlier that day that his grandfather passed away. He crawled into Liam’s bunk that night.

“Hm, what is it Zayn?” he asked sleepily as he moved over to make room for him.

“Can’t sleep…” he mumbled hesitantly. He crawled in bed clearly feeling a bit unsure if this was okay. 

“S’okay, do you wanna talk about it?”

Zayn shrugged a little. “I just can’t believe he’s gone, ya know? The fact that people can just be here one minute and gone the next. It doesn’t seem fair.”

Liam pulled Zayn closer rubbing soothing circles into his back. He could tell Zayn was really upset and he’d never seen him like this before. It had been so easy for Liam to read Zayn, even back then. He felt like they had this bond that he didn’t have with the other boys. One that he couldn’t explain.

“You can stay here tonight, if you want. I don’t mind. You don’t have to be alone,” he said in a hushed tone. 

Zayn just nodded in response and shifted around until he found a comfortable position. Liam continued tracing patterns into Zayn’s back until he fell asleep. And after that they were all but inseparable. They were best mates and he felt differently about Zayn then he did about the rest of the boys. What they had was special. Or at least it had felt that way to Liam.

“You broke up with Dani?!” Zayn had asked on night on the European-leg of their Take Me Home Tour.

“Like I said I don’t even know why, like, she’s such a nice person and she’s been a good girlfriend. I’m--I’m mad right? Like I must be crazy to have this amazing girl then just break it off.”

“Well why did you do it? There’s got to be a reason.”

There was a reason, of course. Maybe Liam didn’t know it at the time or maybe he just couldn’t admit it to himself that Zayn was the reason. So when Zayn started dating Perrie, things were pretty shit for Liam.

Liam sat in his bunk on the bus with his headphones in trying to block out Zayn’s phone call with Perrie. This was about halfway through the Take Me Home Tour. Louis crawled into the bunk without any warning. “Liam, stop moping about and come join the land of the living. Yeah? Just ‘cause it’s a day off doesn’t mean you should shut yourself away in your bunk,” Louis said.

“I just want to be alone, really. It’s not anything personal,” Liam said avoiding his eyes.

Louis gave him a look and frowned. “You’re lying. But I’m not sure why. What’s the matter? You’ve been off lately.”

“I’m fine, honestly,” he said softly.

“Then why can’t you look me in the eyes?”

Liam looked into his eyes trying his best fake smile. He failed. Then Louis proceeded to physically drag Liam out of his bunk. Which he couldn’t really do since Liam was a bit bigger than him but Liam felt bad so he got out of the bunk.

“Lads! It’s cheer up Payno time!” Louis announced to the other boys.

The boys had run out and smothered Liam with hugs after that not even asking what the problem was. Just giving him comfort. Everyone except Zayn. He was busy with his phone call.

Things went on like this with Liam trying to get through the tour, putting on a smile for the movie they had been filming. As it came time for them to do promo for the film Liam was fed up. He couldn’t handle pretending everything was fine with Zayn anymore.

He stood pacing around his hotel room waiting for Harry to walk in. He needed someone to talk to about this. Louis had told him many times that he was tired of watching Liam wallow in his pool of depression.

Harry walked in and sat on Liam’s bed watching Liam. “Alright you’re starting to make me ill with your pacing. Tell me what’s the matter.”

Liam sighed. This was it. He was going to say it out loud. “I’m in love with Zayn.”

There it was. Out in the open. Floating in the room, but Harry couldn’t seem to grasp it. “You...Zayn?” he asked.

Liam just nodded unsure of himself. Harry looked like he was taking a test that was in a foreign language. Then his face changed to something else. Sympathy. Which isn’t what Liam wanted, he didn’t need anyone to pity him. “It’s okay, Harry. I just needed to say it out loud. To admit it to myself.”

“Does Zayn know?” Harry blurted out. “Is that why he’s been so distant?”

Liam shook his head and sighed. “I guess we’re just not as close as I thought. He seems to have replaced me with Louis and when he isn’t with Louis he’s on the phone with  _ her _ .”

“C’mere Liam,” he said and pulled him in for a hug. And from then on Harry became his safety net.

Liam can now see that he shouldn’t have done what comes next. He should have stayed distant from Zayn. He should have let Zayn stay distant. He should have, but he didn’t.

On the first leg of their Where We Are Tour they went drinking one night to celebrate the start of the tour. They all get pretty drunk. Stupid, stupid alcohol. 

Liam stumbled into Zayn’s hotel room after they got in late. He crawled into his bed just like old times. Zayn was already in his bed on the edge of sleep. “Liam?” he asked. “Can’t sleep?”

Liam shrugged and rested his head on Zayn’s chest. “Just missed you. You’re never around.”

Zayn laughed a little at that, probably from the alcohol. “I’m always around. Where am I going to go?”

“Never around me,” he corrected himself. “Needed you but you weren’t around.”

Zayn noticeably tensed at that. “Yeah, about that, Liam...I’m--”

He’s cut off with Liam kissing him and what came next was a messy blur. They were both pretty intoxicated and  neither of them stopped. Liam should have pulled away and apologized, he should have said this was a bad idea. He didn’t.

Skin. Zayn has so much of it and Liam wanted to kiss all of it. Everything was just Zayn. Nothing else seemed to matter. Maybe if he had begged Zayn to never leave him, things could’ve been different. Maybe Zayn wouldn’t have left.

The next morning they didn’t talk about it and when Liam woke up Zayn was gone. They didn’t talk about it the next time either, or the time after that. Something new had started entirely and Liam wanted to talk about it, he really did. But he was afraid of losing his best friend again. They should’ve just talked about it.

A few weeks later Zayn announced to the boys that him and Perrie were now engaged. Liam couldn’t fall apart right then and there. Not yet. Because, as he mentioned, he’s the sensible one. 

Liam was in his hotel room with has head in his hands. He didn’t even know how to react but mostly he just felt angry. So when Zayn walked in his hotel room wearing a somber expression, Liam had no time for it. “I hope you two will be very happy together,” he mumbled.

“Liam, you don’t understand. We can’t do this. We can’t.”

“No,  _ you _ can’t. I’ve been trying to talk to you about this and you refused. Please just leave,” Liam said. He couldn’t look at Zayn.

“Are we still mates?” he asked softly. 

Liam wanted to smack him. He should’ve. But Zayn gave him those scared, unknowing eyes and Liam nodded.

They carried on after that like nothing was out of the ordinary. Except that everyone noticed Liam was off. Even the fans were starting to notice. That’s when he started dating Sophia. What else could he have done? 

Halfway through the tour Zayn stormed into Liam’s hotel room. “ _ Her _ ? You’re with her?!”

Liam was taken aback. Was Zayn really angry with him? He couldn’t have heard that right. “Are you referring to Sophia?”

“You’re fucking her? Honestly, Liam?” Zayn shouted.

“No, you don’t get to do this. If anything I get to do this. You got engaged! What do you expect me to do? Wait around pining after you? I waited so long for that. And you never fucking came.”

Zayn looked like he had been punched in the face. He took a step back, away from Liam. “You...you were waiting for me?” Zayn asked quietly.

“Yeah, I was. But I can’t anymore. You’re stringing me along and I can’t handle that. I’m not just some toy that you can throw out when you get bored.”

Zayn smiled at him and it made Liam’s heart jump despite how mad he was at him. He surged forward and kissed Liam. It wasn’t a lust filled kiss like they had shared many times before. It was full of something foreign. Something more passionate.

Then Liam, being the sensible one like always, pulled away and looked deeply into Zayn’s golden brown eyes. “W-What are you saying?”

“That I’m an idiot and I like you. And I would very much like to keep kissing you.”

Liam pushed Zayn’s face away as he tried to lean in again. “Hold on there, Malik. Not until we talk. What do you mean you like me?”

“Don’t make me say it.”

“If you wanna keep kissing me you’re going to have to say it.”

“I like you as like...more than mates,” he tried.

“Yeah I got that impression when my dick was in your mouth. So what, you like me. Now what?”

“I want you to break up with Sophia and be with me.”

“There we go. Now we’re getting somewhere. Sophia and I were never dating. We’re just good friends and we got papped together so people assumed. I don’t suppose that’s how it is with you and Perrie?”

Zayn shook his head slowly. “No it’s…”

“Complicated,” they said at the same time.

“Always is,” Liam mumbled.

“It’s different this time, Liam. I promise. I just need some time to break it off with her.”

And Liam should’ve pushed him away but it’s  _ Zayn _ . Liam’s Achilles heel. Zayn Malik with those lips and those eyes and that smile. He should’ve known from the beginning that he was completely and utterly fucked.

By the time they were writing their album FOUR Liam knew that he wanted. He wanted Zayn publically. He wanted Zayn all to himself and he didn’t care who knew. During their songwriting sessions he was only thinking of Zayn. When they told the boys about them they were supportive. Most of them were. Harry seemed off. Liam would later find out that it was because Harry didn’t believe that Zayn was going to change anything for Liam. Liam should’ve known. He waited  _ so _ long for him.

After their last show of the Where We Are Tour Liam was buzzing. He felt a bit emotional really. He got on the bus with Zayn and the rest of the boys after the show he smiled. “This was such a good tour. Don’t wanna leave if I’m honest,” Liam said. “Gonna miss you guys.”

“I’m not,” Louis said and motioned to Zayn and Liam.

“You two and your snogging sessions. It’s disgusting really,” Louis said.

“I think it’s sweet, in a disgusting kinda way,” Niall said.

Liam looked down and grinned rubbing the back of his neck. Liam sat on the couch pulling Zayn close when he sat next to him. The boys started talking about something else and Liam leaned in kissing Zayn’s neck. “You gotta come ‘round mine a ton, yeah? I’ll come ‘round your to. I’m gonna miss you.”

Zayn nodded and smiled shyly at him. “Yeah of course, Li. We’ll see each other all the time.”

Liam wished that he hadn’t believed Zayn. That he had valued himself a little more to not get hurt over and over by him. They didn’t see each other as much as he’d hoped over the break. And it was all about being stealthy so no one got suspicious of them. 

When their OTRA Tour started things were different with Zayn. He was distant but still there. More mentally distant. Like his mind was just somewhere else. He seemed depressed and Liam tried everything to make him feel better.

It was a couple months into the tour and Liam was fed up with Zayn. He went into his hotel room one night furious. “It’s been enough time, Zayn. Why are you still with her?!” he shouted at him.

Zayn looked up at him not even flinching. “Liam--”

“No, don’t ‘Leeyum’ me. Don’t tell me you just need more time! I can’t wait any more fucking time! It’s not fair to me! I want to be with you.”

“Liam, listen to me. I ended it with Perrie…I told her about us. It’s over,” Zayn said and nodded.

“It’s...it’s over?” Liam said softly. “Damn right it’s over. Because I said it was.”

Zayn chuckled a little at that. “Sure, Li.”

Liam nodded. “Right, so it’s over then. Just you and me. Me and you. Liam and Zayn.”

“I think it should be Zayn and Liam,” he said and grinned pulling Liam down onto the bed.

“Why does your name get to go first?” he furrowed his eyebrows.

Zayn kissed Liam’s neck barely listening. “Dunno, just shh let me kiss you.”

Liam blushed and nodded giving in and kissing Zayn properly.

Later that night they laid together with Liam half asleep. He looked up at the ceiling and smiled as Zayn traced patterns on his bare chest. “Zayn?”

“Hmm?” Zayn asked looking up at him briefly.

“I love you,” he whispered. “This...I don’t ever want what we have to be gone.”

Zayn got more comfortable and laid his head on Liam’s chest.. “I love you too, Liam.”

“Please don’t ever leave me.”

Zayn didn’t say anything as he was already asleep. And the next morning when Liam woke up he was gone. Not just to breakfast, or to the bus, he was gone. He flew home and never came back. He gave Liam no explanation, no note, not a phone call or even a fucking text message. But Liam could take a hint. He could never figure out what he did for Zayn to just leave him. He had planned on leaving, the flight had been purchased. He knew that night exactly what he was doing. And if Liam was caught in the crossfire then so be it.

Looking back it’s clear that Zayn didn’t want to be with him. He wasn’t just going to come back like Liam had imagined him doing so many times. 

That’s why Liam stopped waiting. He moved on with his life and did what everyone expect. He got a girlfriend, had a child, came out with solo music. And that was that, he had to stop waiting for Zayn to come back. He has enough self respect to know Zayn isn’t good for him and he’s happy with Gigi now.

So that’s why when he opens the door and Zayn is standing there staring at him looking so hurt he knows he should just slam the door in his face. But all the feelings that he’s buried come bubbling up and maybe for once Liam doesn’t have to be the sensible one. Just this once.


End file.
